Final Goodbye
by Shin-chan1
Summary: My first non-yaoi fic. And most likely my last. Heero stands at Duo's wedding... as his best man. What has gone wrong? Please r&r!


--------- Warnings: Quite. angsty And it is a POV!!! I think you'll be able to guess who's speaking after a while. It gets obvious, you know. Disclaimers: "." Prod. "." Prod. ". oh alright! I do not own Gundam Wing and its respective characters. I am *merely* borrowing the wonderful people there for my enjoyment and to appease my *very* hyper-active mind. So please don't sue. All you'll get to keep is. ME!!! Yup. Definitely not worth it. Uhuh! ---------  
  
~Final Goodbye~  
  
Today is indeed a very special day. I look into your wide eyes gleaming with excitement and anticipation and know that indeed, today is very special for you. I know I should be glad, but for some unknown reason, I can't bring myself to smile. To look happy for you. To show you that I back you up in this a hundred percent. To. be strong for you. I am such a coward. And a failure.  
  
The announcement still rings fresh in my ears. How delighted everyone was. how they cheered for you. how they showed that they indeed agreed with your plan. They knew that it was the right choice. Just as I too, know that you made the right decision in the end. But still, a part of me -the unrealistic one- wishes, no, hopes that somehow, this is all a dream. That I would wake up in the middle of the night to find you safely tucked beside me. that you were still mine, as you had been years before. But I know that that was only wishful thinking. What had happened in the past is gone now, to be forever forgotten by you. But I. I will never forget. A Perfect Soldier should never forget. Yet, by loving you, I showed weakness. Useless weakness that can get someone killed. Weakness that Dr. J had trained out of me since childhood, in his desire to create the perfect weapon of mass destruction -a tool of war. I am not that Perfect Soldier anymore. And still, I will not forget. I loved you. And I knew you loved me back. in those times. I will always remember those special moments with you. Always.  
  
I should congratulate you, I know. Everyone thinks so too. Afterall, isn't it the obligation and duty of a best friend, the best man nonetheless? To greet his friend with smiles and cheers, to wish both him and his chosen partner a happy life. forever? I realize that now is the perfect opportunity to do just that. Yet, my body, mind and soul rebel at the idea. I know that I still couldn't bring myself to confront you, even after all these years. I still love you, afterall.  
  
Instead, I grab a glass of liquor as it passed by the place I was seated. alone once again. A fleeting thought occurs to me, of why I was still here in the first place. It's not like I am doing much by being present. I am not even helping you and the rest of the guys entertain the guests. It's just that. I honestly don't think I am up to masking my emotions as of now. I hurt too much. I don't think I can afford to bottle it all up, just as I normally do. Another failure to add to the rapidly growing list. I just. hurt too much to do anything right now. I hope you understand.  
  
I remember.Your declaration of marriage came over a week ago. I should have been prepared by now, I suppose. Should have steeled myself to let no one know. that I am such a mess after all these years apart from you. I failed you in our relationship. I know that much. As much as I know that you deserve someone better. Yet, I still cannot let you go, deep in my heart. For me, at least an idealistic half of me, you will still be mine. Just as I am yours. in every little aspect. My whole humanity, my whole being. I know they will forever be yours. Still, my analytical half -the one that has been present when you finally broke the news to our fellow companions, allowing me some semblance of control over my growing cries of protest- knows that those special moments with you will never occur again. You will be someone else's. Not mine anymore. not my angel any longer. And I knew that you have made the right choice. Hilde will definitely be perfect for you. You love each other so much. just a perfect little couple. I know that you deserve each other, especially after what you had gone through just to reach this stage in your relationship. Afterall, being with you all those times taught and showed me quite a lot of things. Revealed secrets you have managed to keep hidden deep inside of you. things I never knew until you opened them up to me.  
  
Everyone is laughing now. Enjoying the party that all of your friends and comrades have prepared in your honor. And just as before, I refuse to be a part of their happiness. I do not deserve such things. And frankly, I don't think I can enjoy them once more. How much I changed when you came along. You knew how much I hated parties and gatherings. And still, you never gave up on me, even managed to let me unwind and enjoy even for the briefest of moments. Did you even know that I only liked those things when you were around, laughing and cajoling me out of my hole? I guess I never told you that, did I? Just like I never told you most of my feelings. Like how much I really love you.  
  
I know that fights are normal in any relationship. Just as I know that you and I could have fixed them easily should any occur between the two of us. I used to think we were unbeatable. The Perfect Team. We could do anything, as long as we were together. I guess, I was wrong once again. I couldn't handle the strain in the end. You broke it off and I could do nothing but watch sullenly as you walked away, leaving me behind with emotions unshed. knowing that I will never be the same again.  
  
This was all my fault. I would have never hurt you, had I just been more open. Things would have never been this complicated, had I shown more of my feelings towards you. But it is too late to stop those things from changing, isn't it? I can't do anything now. The last thing I want to take from you is your happiness. I don't want to ruin the most important day in your life, just because of feelings that should have been said long ago. I mustn't be that selfish. I had my chance before and I let it pass, in my foolishness thinking that I had all the time to tell them to you, little by little. Now I realize how wrong I had been. I waited too long. It is far too late to do anything substantial. I guess, I just have to let you go.  
  
Noises snap me out of my reverie, and as I turn my attention back towards you, I can't help but smile. Wry as it may seem, it was still a smile. Utterly reserved for you alone. like it had always been. That would never change, I suppose, even when we both know by now that things between us will never be the same again. Slowly, you tilt your head and flutter shut those beautiful and endearing eyes of yours. Amethyst eyes, normally filled with a myriad of emotions, now only held one. Love. It was the moment everyone had been waiting for. and ironically enough, the moment I dreaded. A kiss. Your kiss. Another one of those things I have grown to love in our past. But this time, it won't be shared with me. It will be forever given to that special person you have chosen for your bride. Hilde. Should I hate her? No. Afterall, this event wasn't her fault anyway. We just happened to love the same person, and I. I failed to give you what you deserve. She didn't. She loved you, no, she showed her love to you in the same aspect that you showed yours towards hers. I simply did not show enough of it. And I guess that was what drove you away.  
  
Funny that I, the soldier who never failed in his missions failed in something greater and infinitely more important than those. I failed you, my love. The one thing that mattered to me the most, the world and life in general be damned. And I failed. How pathetic.  
  
Unconsciously, amidst the cheers and catcalls of the crowd, I find myself drinking again. This was my only solace against the pain of losing you. I will always love you, yet the knowledge that you will soon belong to someone else. it is far greater than any pain inflicted upon me. Letting you go is the greatest upon all the sacrifices I have to give. And it hurts. God, it hurts so much.  
  
The celebration continues on after that special event, and so does my drinking. Ten. twelve. I don't keep track after that. Everyone and everything passes by in a blur of motions, yet, I had a sinking feeling that the painful throbs in my heart will never cease. Just like all the other times. And so here I am, trying to desperately drown out my sorrows or die trying, while at the same time, hoping that no one will notice my actions. Quatre was the first to notice, as usual. His concerned eyes kept drifting back to me, but he never asked. I think that he already knew what my problem was, in any case. I think they all know, although I have tried my best to keep it out of my actions. But they couldn't do anything about it, so they never interfered. It's for the best, I think.  
  
Finally, after a seemingly endless time, the party began to lose whatever energy it had, and the people thinned out as most headed back to their own homes. Soon, we were all that was left. Just as it was before. Just as the time Duo announced his engagement, then wedding with Hilde. Duo, Hilde, Lucrezia Noin, Milliardo Peacecraft, Lady Anne, Sally Po, Wufei, Trowa, Catherine, Quatre, Relena, and. me. I still kept on drinking, though Quatre managed to keep some of the bottles out of my reach. They knew I was most probably intoxicated by that time. The bottles strewn about me proved that. But I was past the point of caring. Nothing is important to me anymore. Not since the time I had lost all hope. my life. my love. Duo.  
  
The soft constant murmurings that arose as each tried to converse with the other, immediately faded to the background and slowly lulled me to sleep. I barely took notice of strong and firm yet gentle hands that carried me. Where he was taking me, I wasn't sure. But that mattered little to me. I must have passed out, because the next thing I can recall, I was back in my apartment, being placed on my bed. I murmured something unintelligible, as I tried feebly to thank whoever brought me there. The hands that softly caressed my cheek though kept my consciousness alert for a while. He was speaking, yet oddly enough, I don't hear the words. just broken, irritating and unrelated sounds. Then, surprisingly enough, the speaker leans towards me and I feel his soft lips brushing mine. My heart stops for a moment. I didn't even realize it was beating so fast, it echoed loudly in my ears. And just as sudden as it had occurred, those lips were gone. I almost whimpered at that fact. It had been nearly a year and a half afterall since I last felt those same lips with mine. How I longed for that touch. yet, as Fate would put it, I was far too drunk to utter a single word of protest. How unlucky could I get?  
  
As the figure turns to leave my place, he looks at me with quiet sad eyes. Back then, I had never wanted to see that expression cross his beautiful violet pools even for an instant. However, I always seem to end up causing him to look like that. Just like now. They linger momentarily on my face, as if desperately searching for something. and not finding it there. I groggily look up at him, determined to push something -anything- out of my dry lips. I fail. "Goodbye Heero.. Suki da. itsumade mo. You know I'll always do, ne?"  
  
Clearly enough, I don't understand the actual words, but blurrily read it as it tumbled out of his lips. I open my mouth, desperate to say those same familiar words back to him. And fail once again. And that night, I knew that that would be the last time he would say those words to me. Or look at me that way.  
  
A cold wetness slowly travels down my cheeks, and surprised, I bring deadened fingers to touch it. Tears, my mind supplies. I was crying. For the second time in my life. As far back as I can remember anyway. The first was when Duo and I broke up, and the second -and decidedly the last- when he finally said goodbye to me. Ironic.  
  
I try to form words in my mouth once again, more tears streaming down my face. "Suki. da. tame ni. Duo. Suki da. Zutto."  
  
His final goodbye to the only person he had ever loved. shared his entire being with. Yet, those words that hung in the still air of the room never made it to the only being it was meant for. He didn't hear.  
  
owari -  
  
  
  
  
  
Note: "Suki da tame ni, itsumade mo" - I will love you forever 


End file.
